Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
