you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
