My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
