So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
