just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
PANTIES FOUND
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
