Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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