Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize