There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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