I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
