yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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