I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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