just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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