I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
