chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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