Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
