I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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