What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize