Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
