I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
