I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
