My room smells like vodka and shame
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize