Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
