when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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