If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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