dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
