nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Randomize
