my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize