Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
