Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
