I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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