I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
