Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
