just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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