I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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