Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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