Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
