You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
