I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
