You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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