I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
