Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize