shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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