Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
