WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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