Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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