I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
