I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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