I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
