Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
