Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
