Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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