I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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