im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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