what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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