either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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